Have you ever seen a nature show on TV that shows how a giant explosion deep within the ocean shows up on the surface as a tiny little bubble? In the Pixar movie, 'Finding Nemo' an old torpedo explodes which sets off a bunch of them and the next shot shows two seagulls floating on the surface of the ocean, and the only part of that major explosion miles and miles beneath those birds that rose to the surface was a bubble that made it look and sound like one of the birds had passed gas? Well, I have been in a similar situation over these last sixteen months. I have been experiencing incredible amount of emotional turmoil deep within, but the only thing you see on the surface is an occasional little blip on the radar.
Let me elaborate.
In 2014, we were living in London, Ontario. We were living in a cramped, two-bedroom apartment and trying to figure out how we could afford to move to a bigger place. I was finally certified to teach in Ontario and was looking for work in London and environs and Greg was working for a non-profit First Nations group. The kids were happy and healthy attending a school with a loving and supportive environment. The kids had extracurricular activities as did I. Most importantly, we loved London and being close to our family and friends. We were definitely in what we fondly look back on now and call a 'comfortable rut' - a routine and more or less happy situation.
Then came the month of May. Greg's sudden job loss sent all of us into a tailspin and the result was the end of life as we had come to know it. Our sense of loss was immense. We really did mourn having to leave London and Ontario in order to go where was there was work, and we felt a great deal of anger toward 'the system', which was essentially punishing us. We were baffled and I spent a great deal of time trying to accept God's will - acknowledging that His plan for us was taking an unexpected turn, but that as long as we trusted in Him, all would turn out in the end.
For those of you who have been reading the blog all along, you know how terrified Greg and I felt about leaving Ontario headed to parts unknown and dragging our family along with us, and you remember reading the entries that focused a lot about what we were seeing and doing, but not what we were feeling due to the immense homesickness we felt at the time. You read along with us as I finally vocalized these feelings, and you provided an immense amount of support to us as I told you all about the bullying occurring most especially to Patrick and the kids, but also to both Greg and I. I wrote about how particular people in Tuk were reading our blog and how all of a sudden a place where I could communicate to our nearest and dearest had become an arena for political correctness because Greg's job depended on it. Again, through all of this, we clung to God, asking for guidance and help to get through each day, one at a time.
You knew that there were politics at the school that we could not discuss but there were hints of it here and there in the blog. None of you were surprised when we decided it would be better for the kids and I to leave Tuk before the end of the school year, and you loved and supported me through Facebook during Greg's and my seven week separation while he was completing the school year in Tuk and the kids and I were homeschooling with Gramma Wilson in Parry Sound, Ontario. We turned to God in prayer to help us through this time, too, and introduced the use of God boxes to the kids, which are special boxes in which we could put our written letters to God. Once a prayer or a letter went into your God Box, it was left for Him to handle in His own time - not yours. In many ways, each box served as a holding tank for our personal prayers. It made me feel much better leaving all my worries with God, and I know the kids used them faithfully, too.
There was a lot of uncertainty for us during the summer. Where were we going to live? Were we going to get jobs? What if? What if? What if? That was a game I played often....late at night while I felt like the loneliest person in the world. It took its toll on all of us - and the kids were especially worried. I felt like a horrible Mom putting our kids through all that worry and uncertainty. They missed their Dad like crazy because we were so used to being together and they were scared. We all were. As we have throughout our whole journey, we turned to God, knowing that He would never put us in a situation we couldn't handle, and our God boxes were overflowing with letters and prayers!
Finally the break came. I was offered my job in Yellowknife! What a relief! At least we knew where we were going and we knew that it would be easy for Greg to find work substitute teaching, which could perhaps lead to something more permanent.
I admit, I felt like I was emerging from a cave of darkness, and the sunlight from our suddenly bright future was a bit blinding, but how wonderful it was to think that I was going to begin my teaching career and that we were going to a place that was big enough to have all the amenities we wanted to have without the anonymity of city living.
Once we arrived in Yellowknife, we began to settle in, but then we experienced a new kind of stress in our lives, one that we had never experienced so intensely, but one that certainly permeates every aspect of life and becomes all-consuming. We were broke. We had used up the rest of Greg's summer pay cheques to move, as well as in paying first and last rent and security deposits on all our new utility accounts. Not only that, we had to buy furniture. We sold all of our furniture and belongings before Greg left Tuk because it was too expensive to move them. It was going to cost $12,000 just to move our belongings on the plane from Tuk to Inuvik. After that, there were all kinds of extra surcharges and fees for moving our belongings down the Dempster highway to south of the sixtieth parallel, and there was no possible way we had that kind of money. There was really no other option but to unload our belongings. Greg mailed twenty boxes of our most special and important personal belongings to Parry Sound, and the rest he sold at a gigantic garage sale. It's just stuff, right?
Well, we had to replace that 'stuff'. We had to replace an entire kitchen, all of our linens, furniture and basic items. Fortunately, there are furniture stores in town, but we were most fortunate to find the YK Trader, which is a local version of Kijiji, and we began to replace particular items at a significantly lower cost than buying new, which was out of the question anyway. While all this was happening, we were sleeping on the floor and living out of suitcases. While we were trying to obtain furniture, we were also setting up our utilities and were shocked by the amounts we had to pay in deposits, and that ate into our furniture fund. We had no money, the cupboards were bare, and James was still sleeping on a foam mat on the floor.
I felt stressed in all areas of my life. My husband, my rock and partner in life, was just as stressed as me and in no condition to lean on. The kids were stressed because they wanted beds and furniture and we had to tell them that it was either a bed or groceries. Kids don't need that kind of stress in their lives, and after everything they went through over the spring and summer, this was the last thing we wanted to do to them. We couldn't unpack anything because we didn't have places to put it, so my home was a messy and complicated place to be - not very restful at all and for the longest time we had no TV or internet because Northwest Tel books service installation calls two weeks in advance. Then there was the stress of a new job and getting used to all kinds of new situations, plus that awful sinking feeling, which I was experiencing far too often, because it looked like everybody around me understood what they were doing and saying, but me. It was incredibly overwhelming. Again, I cried out to God. "Why are you doing this to me? You would never give us more than we can handle, but don't you think enough is enough God? I mean, REALLY??".
Finally, I hit rock bottom. I spent a weekend about a month ago so completely lost, both physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually. I was so mad at God! It got so bad, that I even refused to go to church that Sunday. Why would I feel welcome in God's house when I was mad at him? What would make me want to go hang out at His house when he was treating me so poorly? Greg was so worried about me, he saw me up late Saturday night typing furiously on the laptop (much as I am now) and he thought that I was typing a suicide note. I'd like to say, I was feeling lower than I have ever felt in my life - but suicide had not entered my thoughts. I wanted somebody to knock me unconscious so I didn't have to feel any emotions for a while (a coma perhaps?) but I wasn't willing to kill myself to reach that. I certainly did feel like a spectacular failure because it seemed like no matter what I did or tried to do, I was failing in all aspects of my life. I had been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out since May 2014 and whenever we seemed to catch a break, it backfired on us and left things worse than they had been before!
That night I spent typing furiously, I sent out a Rescue 911 to my support network - my intimate group of kindred spirits - asking for love and support - because it just wasn't happening from God or anybody. I remember sitting in the bathroom with the door closed and the fan on so the kids couldn't hear me sobbing, and I cried out to God, "Enough!! Everybody says that you would never give us more than we can handle - so why are you doing this to us? You are supposed to be carrying me when I'm troubled but right now I am on an island all by myself and you are not here!".
What happened next was nothing short of a miracle and a true sign of God's grace in our lives. Not only did my 'peeps' step up to pick me up off the ground and dust me off, some other incredible things happened, too. Those in my network, who shall remain nameless but all of whom are faithful readers, worked to get the various parts of my life better organized. I had a long talk about how to better plan my time so that I could concentrate on the other parts of teaching at school, which would give me a better life/work balance. I talked with others about how to help the kids in their adjustment to Yellowknife. Another person approached me with her kids' hardly worn coats and asked if we could use them. We had a welcome to Yellowknife basket appear on our doorstep with a gift certificate for the local co-op grocery store in it. We were gifted money from all kinds of people, including two anonymous sources from D'Youville College, where Greg and I went to teacher's college. Money sure isn't everything - but knowing that we had money to feed our children, buy them shoes and boots and fall coats, pay our bills and get James off the floor sure eased our minds and made it easier to concentrate on the other parts of my life, which were overshadowed by the almighty dollar sign. In the span of about a week, we had enough money to pay rent, pay some bills, keep food on the table and to buy James a bed.
In the meantime, Greg got a serving job at Boston pizza. At first I felt embarrassed for Greg. I forgot to mention that Greg did successfully defend his dissertation and is now officially Greg Wilson, Ed.D. or Dr. Greg Wilson. If God led Greg to pursue and defend his doctoral dissertation, why was my husband waiting tables at Boston Pizza? Regardless of where the money came from, Greg felt better because he was contributing to our finances, and his tips were and are keeping us afloat. We are still budgeting more strictly than we have ever before, but we are getting by. Greg is now substitute teaching and if this job at the middle school I was mentioning in my previous blog entry doesn't work out, he will get work substitute teaching everyday. It is significantly less money than if he had a regular teaching job due to union salary grids, but we are not looking for anything more than being able to look after our basic needs for a while.
SO...why am I telling you all of this?
Well, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on all you have to be thankful for. Last year, I was thankful that we had all of our friends and family reaching out to love and support us across the miles, and for the fact that despite our distance from all of you, we also had the five of us, and that was most important. This year, my Thanksgiving is literally a very sincere and humble, "Thanks for giving" to all of you out there who have helped us in any way this year - emotional support, a good laugh, time spent together, a financial contribution, use of your bed and/or your home, long phone conversations that went late into the night on a work night, continual check-ins and online hugs and encouragement. The list goes on and on.....
Needless to say, God and I have had a little chat, and I apologized for refusing to visit, and I think He has forgiven me, which is a relief. It just goes to show you that when you cry out to God, He is there and He does listen! I am so grateful and humbled by everything that has transpired over the last few weeks. It is incredible how being able to say "Thank you" and accept all the various gifts offered to me and my family made me feel so loved, cherished and protected by all of you and by God. We were not in a position to allow pride or conceit or embarrassment cloud the fact that we were desperately in need of guidance and help in various ways - and God provided through you - our family and friends.
Some of you know nothing about this, and may feel embarrassed reading it and wondering why I would reveal such a personal issue to all of you, and here is why. I believe in paying it forward and that people you know a lot or even a little can be in need in various ways all around you. Sometimes a smile, holding a door open, allowing the car in the adjoining lane to bud ahead of you, a donation to a charity, a hug for a stranger, buying a coffee for the person behind you in the drive-thru, a long conversation with a friend in need into the night on a work night, donating to a food bank....any and all of those things are paying kindness forward. It has been an eye opening lesson for me and as I said, I found humility - not humiliation - in accepting this kindness when it was offered to me and my family.
Maybe this was God's lesson for us after all. Who knows? I am just Happy and Thankful for those who Gave and continue to Give in my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
There was a lot of uncertainty for us during the summer. Where were we going to live? Were we going to get jobs? What if? What if? What if? That was a game I played often....late at night while I felt like the loneliest person in the world. It took its toll on all of us - and the kids were especially worried. I felt like a horrible Mom putting our kids through all that worry and uncertainty. They missed their Dad like crazy because we were so used to being together and they were scared. We all were. As we have throughout our whole journey, we turned to God, knowing that He would never put us in a situation we couldn't handle, and our God boxes were overflowing with letters and prayers!
Finally the break came. I was offered my job in Yellowknife! What a relief! At least we knew where we were going and we knew that it would be easy for Greg to find work substitute teaching, which could perhaps lead to something more permanent.
I admit, I felt like I was emerging from a cave of darkness, and the sunlight from our suddenly bright future was a bit blinding, but how wonderful it was to think that I was going to begin my teaching career and that we were going to a place that was big enough to have all the amenities we wanted to have without the anonymity of city living.
Once we arrived in Yellowknife, we began to settle in, but then we experienced a new kind of stress in our lives, one that we had never experienced so intensely, but one that certainly permeates every aspect of life and becomes all-consuming. We were broke. We had used up the rest of Greg's summer pay cheques to move, as well as in paying first and last rent and security deposits on all our new utility accounts. Not only that, we had to buy furniture. We sold all of our furniture and belongings before Greg left Tuk because it was too expensive to move them. It was going to cost $12,000 just to move our belongings on the plane from Tuk to Inuvik. After that, there were all kinds of extra surcharges and fees for moving our belongings down the Dempster highway to south of the sixtieth parallel, and there was no possible way we had that kind of money. There was really no other option but to unload our belongings. Greg mailed twenty boxes of our most special and important personal belongings to Parry Sound, and the rest he sold at a gigantic garage sale. It's just stuff, right?
Well, we had to replace that 'stuff'. We had to replace an entire kitchen, all of our linens, furniture and basic items. Fortunately, there are furniture stores in town, but we were most fortunate to find the YK Trader, which is a local version of Kijiji, and we began to replace particular items at a significantly lower cost than buying new, which was out of the question anyway. While all this was happening, we were sleeping on the floor and living out of suitcases. While we were trying to obtain furniture, we were also setting up our utilities and were shocked by the amounts we had to pay in deposits, and that ate into our furniture fund. We had no money, the cupboards were bare, and James was still sleeping on a foam mat on the floor.
I felt stressed in all areas of my life. My husband, my rock and partner in life, was just as stressed as me and in no condition to lean on. The kids were stressed because they wanted beds and furniture and we had to tell them that it was either a bed or groceries. Kids don't need that kind of stress in their lives, and after everything they went through over the spring and summer, this was the last thing we wanted to do to them. We couldn't unpack anything because we didn't have places to put it, so my home was a messy and complicated place to be - not very restful at all and for the longest time we had no TV or internet because Northwest Tel books service installation calls two weeks in advance. Then there was the stress of a new job and getting used to all kinds of new situations, plus that awful sinking feeling, which I was experiencing far too often, because it looked like everybody around me understood what they were doing and saying, but me. It was incredibly overwhelming. Again, I cried out to God. "Why are you doing this to me? You would never give us more than we can handle, but don't you think enough is enough God? I mean, REALLY??".
Finally, I hit rock bottom. I spent a weekend about a month ago so completely lost, both physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually. I was so mad at God! It got so bad, that I even refused to go to church that Sunday. Why would I feel welcome in God's house when I was mad at him? What would make me want to go hang out at His house when he was treating me so poorly? Greg was so worried about me, he saw me up late Saturday night typing furiously on the laptop (much as I am now) and he thought that I was typing a suicide note. I'd like to say, I was feeling lower than I have ever felt in my life - but suicide had not entered my thoughts. I wanted somebody to knock me unconscious so I didn't have to feel any emotions for a while (a coma perhaps?) but I wasn't willing to kill myself to reach that. I certainly did feel like a spectacular failure because it seemed like no matter what I did or tried to do, I was failing in all aspects of my life. I had been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out since May 2014 and whenever we seemed to catch a break, it backfired on us and left things worse than they had been before!
That night I spent typing furiously, I sent out a Rescue 911 to my support network - my intimate group of kindred spirits - asking for love and support - because it just wasn't happening from God or anybody. I remember sitting in the bathroom with the door closed and the fan on so the kids couldn't hear me sobbing, and I cried out to God, "Enough!! Everybody says that you would never give us more than we can handle - so why are you doing this to us? You are supposed to be carrying me when I'm troubled but right now I am on an island all by myself and you are not here!".
What happened next was nothing short of a miracle and a true sign of God's grace in our lives. Not only did my 'peeps' step up to pick me up off the ground and dust me off, some other incredible things happened, too. Those in my network, who shall remain nameless but all of whom are faithful readers, worked to get the various parts of my life better organized. I had a long talk about how to better plan my time so that I could concentrate on the other parts of teaching at school, which would give me a better life/work balance. I talked with others about how to help the kids in their adjustment to Yellowknife. Another person approached me with her kids' hardly worn coats and asked if we could use them. We had a welcome to Yellowknife basket appear on our doorstep with a gift certificate for the local co-op grocery store in it. We were gifted money from all kinds of people, including two anonymous sources from D'Youville College, where Greg and I went to teacher's college. Money sure isn't everything - but knowing that we had money to feed our children, buy them shoes and boots and fall coats, pay our bills and get James off the floor sure eased our minds and made it easier to concentrate on the other parts of my life, which were overshadowed by the almighty dollar sign. In the span of about a week, we had enough money to pay rent, pay some bills, keep food on the table and to buy James a bed.
In the meantime, Greg got a serving job at Boston pizza. At first I felt embarrassed for Greg. I forgot to mention that Greg did successfully defend his dissertation and is now officially Greg Wilson, Ed.D. or Dr. Greg Wilson. If God led Greg to pursue and defend his doctoral dissertation, why was my husband waiting tables at Boston Pizza? Regardless of where the money came from, Greg felt better because he was contributing to our finances, and his tips were and are keeping us afloat. We are still budgeting more strictly than we have ever before, but we are getting by. Greg is now substitute teaching and if this job at the middle school I was mentioning in my previous blog entry doesn't work out, he will get work substitute teaching everyday. It is significantly less money than if he had a regular teaching job due to union salary grids, but we are not looking for anything more than being able to look after our basic needs for a while.
SO...why am I telling you all of this?
Well, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on all you have to be thankful for. Last year, I was thankful that we had all of our friends and family reaching out to love and support us across the miles, and for the fact that despite our distance from all of you, we also had the five of us, and that was most important. This year, my Thanksgiving is literally a very sincere and humble, "Thanks for giving" to all of you out there who have helped us in any way this year - emotional support, a good laugh, time spent together, a financial contribution, use of your bed and/or your home, long phone conversations that went late into the night on a work night, continual check-ins and online hugs and encouragement. The list goes on and on.....
Needless to say, God and I have had a little chat, and I apologized for refusing to visit, and I think He has forgiven me, which is a relief. It just goes to show you that when you cry out to God, He is there and He does listen! I am so grateful and humbled by everything that has transpired over the last few weeks. It is incredible how being able to say "Thank you" and accept all the various gifts offered to me and my family made me feel so loved, cherished and protected by all of you and by God. We were not in a position to allow pride or conceit or embarrassment cloud the fact that we were desperately in need of guidance and help in various ways - and God provided through you - our family and friends.
Some of you know nothing about this, and may feel embarrassed reading it and wondering why I would reveal such a personal issue to all of you, and here is why. I believe in paying it forward and that people you know a lot or even a little can be in need in various ways all around you. Sometimes a smile, holding a door open, allowing the car in the adjoining lane to bud ahead of you, a donation to a charity, a hug for a stranger, buying a coffee for the person behind you in the drive-thru, a long conversation with a friend in need into the night on a work night, donating to a food bank....any and all of those things are paying kindness forward. It has been an eye opening lesson for me and as I said, I found humility - not humiliation - in accepting this kindness when it was offered to me and my family.
Maybe this was God's lesson for us after all. Who knows? I am just Happy and Thankful for those who Gave and continue to Give in my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
